EVERY fish in the world has been declared a subject of Her Majesty the Queen.
The move, which pushes the UK population to well over 70 billion, means that any attempt by the EU to enforce current fishing quotas will be viewed by Westminster as an act of war.
A government spokesman said: “From now on, our aquatic friends are loyal subjects of Elizabeth II, Queen of the United Kingdom and Empress of the Seas by the grace of Our Lord Poseidon.
“The next time a foreigner tucks in to his salmon en croute, he is eating the flesh of a British citizen, and should expect nuclear retaliation.
“We have also scrapped the existing citizenship test and replaced it with one that reads ‘do you have gills?’.”
Brexit negotiations will examine the circumstances under which EU citizens and British citizens can legally kill and eat one another, a development that has been welcomed by UKIP.
Perch Tom Logan said: “Finally I can get my fin rot treated on the NHS.”