All parties condemn postal voters

PARTY leaders have issued a joint statement calling postal voters a bunch of lazy bastards.

After checking that the Royal Mail did not offer a same-day postal service, politicians united to confirm that they despised postal voters and always would. 

Nick Clegg said: “It’s the same mentality as those dicks who leave five minutes before the end of a football match, but without even the justification of missing the traffic. 

“Guess what, postal voters: I shot a load of zoo animals this morning, for no reason.

“And what are you going to do about it? Nothing, because you’ve already voted for me just to save yourself five minutes’ walk to a primary school.”

David Cameron agreed: “I can say now that if you are a postal voter then I will keep none of my promises to you.

“Your taxes will go up, your benefits down, your children into care and your house is currently being bulldozed. Fuck you.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ask Holly: I'm worried Michael Gove has a concealed weapon

Dear Holly,

Everyone’s saying that the most likely outcome of the vote today will be a hung parliament, and that David Cameron will probably do loads of dirty tricks to keep me out. Harriet reckons I’m going to have to challenge David and his crew to fisticuffs in the street if he won’t budge, which is all very worrying because what about when nasty old Ed Balls starts raining down punches? And knowing Michael Gove he’ll have some sort of concealed weapon about his person. Douglas Alexander and me are totally shitting it.



Dear Ed,

OMG YAWN! I can’t think of anything more BORING than a general election, except the Olympics perhaps, and at least that has a decent theme tune. The only good thing about all this endless discussion about policies and issues and the NHS, whatever that is, is that school is closed today for polling and I get to go to my granny’s house and watch Labyrinth and eat beef Monster Munch. Tomorrow the only novelty will be a slightly different set of annoying grown-ups in suits making the same pointless rules, shouting the same meaningless nonsense on the telly and the mums can finally all get back to talking about Strictly.

Hope that helps,