Wednesday, 27th January 2021

Amazing man can see week into England's future by watching Scottish news

AN incredible prophet can see a week into the future of England by watching the news on BBC Scotland. 

Nathan Muir of Hitchin has wowed friends with his incredible prognostication abilities but insists he is not psychic but just able to read the future by seeing what Nicola Sturgeon does.

He said: “It began a few weeks ago, when I confidently predicted that Gavin Williamson would U-turn on A-level results even when he was insisting he definitely wouldn’t.

“My mates were shocked, and even more so when I knew before it happened that the Tories would completely reverse their position on masks in schools.

“People are looking at me like I’m some kind of Nostradamus, but all I’m doing is turning to channel 951 on Sky, watching the news and telling everyone about it before three days pass and it takes place.

“It’s kind like when you used to sneak home and watch lunchtime Neighbours and impress other kids with your knowledge of the plot. But with slightly more in the way of consequences.”

A Downing Street source said: “Shit. We didn’t think anyone knew about Scotland.”