GORDON Brown is facing an autumn challenge to his leadership from a particularly virulent case of anal warts.
Last night's shock by-election defeat in Glasgow East has convinced Labour backbenchers the party now stands a better chance at the next election under a painful and embarrassing venereal disease.
With the economy worsening, dozens of MPs have secretly pledged their support, with some even touting a 'dream ticket' of the anal warts and a plastic tub filled with cat vomit.
According to a poll for the Guardian, the anal warts are favoured by 42% of Labour voters, well ahead of a constantly screaming baby and a dead hamster, both on 23%. Ninety-five year old communist Michael Foot is on 6%, while Mr Brown is now on -59%.
But Downing Street last night brushed aside talk of a contest, stressing the prime minister was getting on with the job of focussing on Britain's priorities, having his picture taken with Barak Obama and inviting Ben Elton to Chequers.
Nevertheless, Mr Brown has sent a message to potential challengers by kidnapping David Milliband's dog and sending the foreign secretary a tape of it whimpering and scratching at a door.
Downing Street is also finalising a series of headline-grabbing policy initiatives including vouchers for free tripe and marzipan, while every home in Britain will be sent a DVD of Highlander II: The Quickening.
Later today Mr Brown will kick off his campaign to woo back middle England by meeting with scheming, hate-filled trade unionists and agreeing to do whatever they say.
