Anxious nation cheered by Gove’s dismal failure

BRITAIN is to start the weekend early in celebration of Michael Gove’s pathetic failure.

Gove was humiliated in the second round of the Tory leadership contest, giving a moment of unbridled happiness to a nation worried about the consequences of Brexit.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “More champagne!”

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, added: “I want to see his face! I want to see his face!”

She added: “Perhaps Brexit won’t be that bad after all. Perhaps nothing will be that bad after all.

“What a splendid day.”

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Dear Holly, I find myself at rather a loose end...

Dear Holly,
Suddenly, I find myself at rather a loose end. Any suggestions for filling the time?
Sir John Chilcot

Dear John,
The summer holidays really are drag after a while, aren’t they? The best idea is to go around telling every adult in the house in a really loud voice that you are bored at least once every five minutes until everyone has lost the will to live and then they are guaranteed to let you play on the iPad for the ENTIRE day as long as you promise not to tell anyone, including Jessica’s mum, because her children only play with wooden toys.
Hope that helps,