Are you enough of a freak to be an MP? Take our quiz

YOU dream of amassing power while pretending to serve the nation but are you duplicitous, egotistical and downright odd enough? Find out. 

The nation is facing an unprecedented crisis. Are you the person to put it right?

A) Of course not. I have no experience of a multi-department government machine with the power to alter the lives of millions.

B) Abso-bloody-lutely. I have no experience of running anything but I’m arrogant enough to think I can fix everything, mainly in ways that benefit me.

Are you an honest person?

A) I try to be but occasionally stretch the truth to get myself out of trouble or save someone’s feelings.

B) I try to be. Actually, that’s a complete lie. I mostly tell people what I think they want to hear on the basis they might like me more.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

A) A slightly older, less attractive version of myself.

B) A multitude of faked emotions, for example the pained expression that could be useful for a natural disaster or old person in distress. My favourite is the fixed and resolute stare I’m saving for a terrorist attack.

Do you have strong political convictions?

A) I tend to vote for the party I think will steady the economy, help the weakest in society and give people a fair deal.

B) F**k yeah. Big government, small state, economic liberalism, redistribution of wealth, lower taxes, nuclear disarmament. There isn’t a political principle I’m not prepared to follow to satisfy my carnivorous lust for power.

What are your sexual preferences?

A) Steady on, this is getting a bit weird. Not really any of your business.

B) Now we’re talking. Piggate, Monicagate, over the gate. You gate it, I’ll shag it.

Answers

Mostly As: Unfortunately you’re too normal. Return to your ordinary life and stay there quietly.

Mostly Bs: You are a weird and awful human. Time to prepare for government.

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Twat with suspiciously happy memories of school yet to clock he was a bully

AN irredeemable bastard has yet to realise that the reason he has fond memories of school is because he bullied everyone else.

Jack Browne, a personal trainer who enjoys nights out with the lads and fighting in pub car parks, regularly recounts stories from his secondary school years that are not drenched in anxiety and misery.

Browne said: “School was great. I never know what people are talking about when they say they had a miserable time. I had such a laugh with the other kids, giving them noogies and playfully threatening to kick their heads in.

“I had loads of friends, I was captain of the football team and teachers loved me. Can’t wait for the ten year reunion next year. I expect I’ll jokingly attempt to push someone out of a window, like in the good old days.”

James Bates, who was in the same class as Jack from Years 7 to 11, said: “Jack was a massive bellend. He used to pin me down and fart in my face. I still can’t look at a school tie without having flashbacks.”

Browne said: “James who? I don’t remember the guy, unfortunately. Wish him well, though. Is he still fat?”