Awful thing caused by people who did it

THE people to blame for the weekend’s awful events are the people who did it, it has been confirmed.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s totally understandable that people feel angry and confused.

“But when the Daily Mail mentions taking action against hate peddlers, you don’t have to be a genius to see they are on pretty thin ice. Don’t let arseholes give other arseholes an opportunity to be arseholes.

“A lot of journalists are acting hard, wondering who to blame and being as nearly-racist as they can be without being properly racist.

“Normally though with a crime you should blame the people who did it. Because they did it.”

Those calling for the immediate detention of anyone who looks a bit suspicious have been advised to research ‘aims of terrorism’, even if that just means going on wikipedia.

34-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “We can’t just stand by, we have to defend British values by locking ‘them’ up, whoever ‘they’ may be.

“I personally am going to help do that, in my capacity as someone who works in an office selling double glazing.”

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'I can't possibly pay more tax', says man with Range Rover and Koi carp pond

A MAN with a large 4×4 and a Koi carp pond in his garden has insisted that paying a penny more in tax will cripple him.

Standing angrily outside his five bedroom house in Surrey, Martin Bishop said: “Do you have any idea how much Koi carp food costs?

“These fish are the thoroughbreds of the decorative fish world.

“And when I get in my Range Rover and drive to my house in the Dordogne, I have to pay someone to feed the fish. I’d take the fish with me, but then I might get water in my Range Rover.”

Bishop’s gardener, Tom Booker, said: “He gave me a £1 tip at Christmas and keeps doing ‘funny’ impressions of my working class accent.

“I regularly piss in his swimming pool.”