Beat me harder this time, begs Goldsmith

ZAC Goldsmith has begged voters in Richmond Park to beat him again and harder because he is a contemptible worm who deserves it. 

The failed mayoral candidate and Conservative MP has returned to the west London site of his last spanking to cravenly ask the electorate for more.

Goldsmith said: “I’m a bad politician and I need to be punished.

“Hurt me. Hurt me at the ballot box. Slash my share of the vote. Humiliate me. Make me feel lower than UKIP.”

Richmond Park resident Joanna Kramer said: “Wait, so my choice is to vote Zac Goldsmith or to vote Zac Goldsmith’s rocks off?

“I mean Christ. This election is disgusting.”

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Crazy bastard ignores warning about email having no subject

AN OFFICE worker has gone ahead and fired off an email in total disregard of his computer’s warning that it had no subject.

Devil-may-care brand analyst Tom Booker deliberately left the subject line blank, giving the email’s recipients no hint as to its contents, because he lives on the edge.

Booker said: “The conventions of electronic correspondence mean nothing to me.

“Sure, it’s a risk. Yes, people might get upset. But I thrive off the adrenaline rush of sticking it to the establishment.

“I file expense forms up to a week late. I push the boundaries of casual Friday as far as they will go. I take personal calls at my desk and I make no apologies for it.

“Wag your fingers and click your tongues all you want, petit bourgeois conformists. You can’t control me. The thug life is the only life I know.”

Booker’s colleague Mary Fisher said: “Tom’s been round. He wanted to know who’d taken his special pen.”