May considering bringing back workhouses for a laugh

THERESA May is so confident of her election victory that she is toying with bringing back workhouses just because she could. 

The prime minister has commissioned a feasibility study into reintroducing Dickensian workhouses for the poor simply because nobody can come close to stopping her.

She contined: “Treadmills, debtor’s prisons, why not? Maybe public hangings. It’s open season for us.

“I didn’t get into politics to become a monstrous right-wing ideologue, but come on. This is what happens when you have literally no opposition.

“Maybe I’ll abolish pensions as well. And child labour laws. And the universal franchise. I’m confident everyone would vote for me regardless.

“I’m sick of pretending to take this election seriously. It’s in the bag. Let’s have some fun.”

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The f**k is a mugwump? asks Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has made a private call to Downing Street to ask what the fuck a mugwump is and if he is meant to be offended. 

The Labour leader, who has been accused of being a ‘mutton-headed old mugwump’ by foreign secretary Boris Johnson, has requested urgent clarification on what in shit the idiot meant.

He continued: “This is meant to be an election campaign, not an opportunity to reaquaint Britain with William Burroughs’s The Naked Lunch. 

“A fucking mugwump? Yeah, let me just dig out my dictionary. Oh it’s not in the modern one, I’ll have to get the nineteen-fucking-hundred edition.

“It’s an insult used in the 1884 presidential elections. Really. You know what politicians will call lying sacks of shit who fuck up their own countries on a whim in a century’s time? They’ll call them Boris.”

Boris Johnson said: “Regretfully, it has been brought to my attention that most of the country believes me to have made a reference to something called ‘Harry Potter’.

“I therefore have no option but to offer my resignation.”