Incredible success of Newcastle and West Ham explained

FINANCIAL double-dealing may be behind the continent-conquering success of Newcastle and West Ham, observers believe. 

HMRC have raided both clubs’ grounds seizing financial records and computers thought to be linked to tax fraud, with Europe’s elite clubs finally understanding how they have been so comprehensively crushed by the duo.

Chelsea manager Antonio Conte said: “I knew something had to be up. Nobody wins a Champions League final against Barca 14-0.

“How those two went from British also-rans to titans of the global game none of us could fathom. Now we know it was cheating.

“Yes, they will always have those magnificent Premier League seasons where nobody beat them, not even each other, on their records – 108 points each, incredible – but that success was built on lies.

“Was it worth it? Would we all cheat a little to fly as high as West Ham and Newcastle have? Perhaps. Perhaps.”

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Man launches dream career of showing people his arse

A 48-YEAR-OLD man is confident he can emulate the success of Kim Kardashian by showing people his buttocks, he has revealed.

Norman Steele has quit his job as an HGV driver after realising his sizeable backside could become a lucrative talking point in the international media.

He said: “If we’re talking size I’ve got her beaten easily, so I’d be a fool not to chuck in my job and start a new career based on exposing my arse.

“Whenever I go out now I wear a tiny thong instead of trousers, and judging by the numbers staring and taking pictures I’m creating quite a social media buzz.

“Now that my arse is my living I’ve really started taking care of it with regular moisturising and waxing, which is obviously the precursor to launching my own bumcare range. And fragrance.”

Mail Online reporter Eleanor Shaw said: “Fuck it, we’ll put him on the sidebar. Why not?”