AN increasingly desperate Boris Johnson plans to become prime minister by murdering everyone else in Britain.
After a misguided attempt to undermine Theresa May, Johnson has now taken the more direct approach of slaying the entire population so that there is nobody else left to take charge.
The foreign secretary said: “I’m going to become prime minister even if it means slaughtering every human in this great nation of ours.
“All my political manoeuvring has failed to bear fruit, so the only option left is to wield my trusty cricket bat ‘Gladstone’ and become PM by force.
“Next I’ll kill everyone in London and exterminate the rest of Britain county-by-county. Once everyone’s dead I’ll finally be able to assume my rightful role as leader of the nation.
“You probably think I’ve just gone completely mad, but that happened a long time ago when I adopted my ‘Dennis the Latin-speaking Menace’ persona.”
Johnson then shouted “Cui bono carpe diem bona fide Caesar!’ before running off and falling down a manhole.