Brexiter writing his own impact report based on patriotism

A BREXIT supporter sick of government negativity is writing his own Brexit impact report, based on his love of Britain. 

Norman Steele, from Market Harborough, believes that leaked impact reports which show growth reducing by between two and eight per cent have not taken into account British national pride and the fact that we won the war. 

He said: “Doom and gloom. That’s all we get from them. They don’t have a true believer’s vision. 

“My preliminary calculations show that British Leyland will roar from nowhere to become the continent’s top car manufacturer, that Hob-Nob exports to China will increase by 1,500 per cent, and Sinclair computers will give Apple a sound thrashing. 

“And that’s just back-of-a-fag-packet stuff. Once I get into the detail, not a person in Britain will be able to raise any objection. 

“Chance of Germany imposing tariffs when their citizens are buying billions of Tunnock’s Teacakes a year? None. Chance of South Korea cutting up rough when we threaten to cut off transmission of The Archers? Also none.” 

Steele then retreated to his shed to get some numbers on paper, before opening the door two hours later white-faced and wide-eyed, saying: “We might have fucked up here.” 

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Woman who 'loves hoovering' will never be able to hoover away her terrible secret

A WOMAN who claims she ‘loves hoovering’ is trying to erase something deeply sinister from her past, her family suspects.

Barry Jones said his wife Susan ‘has always quite enjoyed hoovering’, but added: “Lately she’s been hoovering an awful lot, while muttering stuff like ‘it was my money anyway’ and ‘I covered my tracks’.

“Sometimes she goes into a sort of trance, and keeps hoovering the same bit of carpet over and over. She comes out of it by screaming for about 30 seconds, and then she acts all cheerful, like she doesn’t realise what she’s just done.

“I don’t really know what to do. On the one hand, it’s terrifying the kids, but on the other, the carpets really are spotless.”

Susan Jones said: “I don’t know what everyone’s so worked up about. I’ve had a totally normal, murder-free life and there’s absolutely nothing gnawing away at my conscience round the clock, keeping me awake at night and haunting my dreams.

“I need to buy a new Dyson, but it’s okay I can easily afford it.”