Brexiters still expecting 'clarity' from absolute shyster

BREXITERS are still expecting clarity from an absolute shyster you could not trust to do anything, it has emerged.

It has emerged that many Brexiters, although they are still happy they voted to Leave, now want the untrustworthy bastard behind the referendum to ‘give them some clarity on it’.

Donna Sheridan said: “I just want to know exactly what it is I’ve voted for. Is that too much to ask for from a totally self-serving careerist politician?

I mean, there’s no way Boris Johnson would get behind something he didn’t fully understand.”

Martin Bishop said: “Just because he would have told us measles was caused by ghosts if it served his personal agenda, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a detailed plan for the most complex economic shift in recent political history.

“Look at him. That’s the face of a man who knows.”


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Londoners wonder if this living hell is worth it to be slightly ahead on food trends

LONDONERS are considering whether living in a nightmarish urban dystopia is worth it just to enjoy food crazes two months early.

As everyone in London continues to be angry and paranoid, residents of the capital consoled themselves that they got buttermilk chicken several weeks before the provinces.

31-year-old teacher Norman Steele said: “Every day here is a struggle, a loaf of bread is a fiver, the air tastes of lorries and if I collapsed on the pavement they would just build a juice bar on me.

“But on the other hand, we had pulled pork way back in 2015 and Bristol hasn’t even got massive milkshakes yet. So, swings and roundabouts.”

Brixton-based Donna Sheridan said: “I went to visit my cousin in Cardiff, and although they don’t live in a constant state of grinding hyper-anxiety I was shocked to see that down here tapas is still ‘a thing’.

“They didn’t even know that this is going to be the year of the taco, and are openly suspicious of avocado on sourdough.

“Some of them drink instant coffee with sugar in it. I couldn’t live like that.”