Britain advances to phase two of being absolutely shafted

THE UK has achieved a significant breakthrough in the process of being done hard by the EU, and can now move to being properly shafted. 

After months of talks, Theresa May has finally agreed that Britain will bend over and take everything the EU told it to back in June, and is ready and waiting for the real pain to begin.

European Commission Jean-Claude Juncker said: “We wanted you not only to take your punishment, but to look happy about it and beg for more. Which is what we have achieved.

“Now we can move on to the trade talks in which you will find out in excruciating detail exactly how you are being fucked, for how long, and the specific areas that will hurt the most.

“Think of me as like the man in your English books, Christian Grey. Except without the kindness.”

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Remainers absolutely loving Brexit now

REMAINERS have confessed that they are thoroughly enjoying the humiliating collapse of Brexit and cannot wait to see what happens next. 

Supporters of staying in the EU admitted they are glued to the headlines to find out what the arrogant Tory bastards’ latest shameful climbdown will be.

Nathan Muir of Bristol said: “Last year it was really alienating and shit and not aimed at me at all, but I kept watching and the second year’s picked up incredibly. Just like Breaking Bad. 

“Every day there’s a new punch in the face for May or Davis or Johnson, but it’s all been so beautifully set up that even while it’s unexpected it’s completely plausible.

“I didn’t think that moment when Arlene Foster went off in May’s face like a firework could be topped, but yesterday when Davis got trapped into admitting he hadn’t done any work whatsoever might have been even better.

“I reckon within the month the government will collapse and Michael Gove will launch yet another disastrous leadership bid that’ll fall flat on its fish-lipped face, and that’s before they find out the EU’s going to fuck them over on trade deals.

“This is the most I’ve enjoyed politics in years. Long live Brexit, I say.”