Britain backs Farage plan to move country to alternate universe

BRITAIN is backing Nigel Farage’s plan to send the country through a wormhole to an alternate universe where everything is perfect forever.

The Ukip leader demolished self-styled deputy prime minister Nick Clegg in a televised debate after pledging to create a cosmic portal in the time it takes to make a Victoria sponge.

He said: “Once through the wormhole life will be fantastic. Everyone will have a job except housewives. Men will be attracted to women and vice-versa. And, best of all, Britain will be the only country in the universe.”

He added: “The other great thing about the wormhole is that it makes everyone white and sound like they’re from Basingstoke.

“You can still have all your black and foreign friends they just won’t be black or foreign anymore. So there’ll be no more of the unpleasantness and racism will have been defeated.

“And all this from one simple wormhole.”

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “As I listened to Nigel I suddenly thought to myself ‘Wormhole! Of course’.

“And then I realised that Cameron, Clegg and Miliband already know about The Wormhole and they live in Perfect Britain but keep it secret and come back through The Wormhole to gloat at us and ruin our lives.”

He added: “Wormhole


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

All racehorses named by Captcha

THE online anti-fraud tool Captcha is responsible for the names of racehorses, it has been revealed.

Captcha asks users to read random word pairings to determine whether they should be allowed to go to the cinema.

But leading horse-namers have found inspiration in the software, having long exhausted the limits of their imagination and vocabulary.

Horse breeder Tom Logan said: “I thought all possible horse names had been taken, except for ones with swears in, and they aren’t allowed in case the Queen sees it.

“But then Captcha made some suggestions, and now we’ve got Nugatory Reward, Laotians Bong and Rectal Blend.”

All 40 of this year’s Grand National entries were named using Captcha, including Monbeg Dude, Unlubricated Cosmonaut and last year’s champion, 399446 211.