Britain disappointed in Rifkind, delighted about Straw

BRITAIN is deeply disappointed in Malcolm Rifkind and ecstatic that Jack Straw’s reputation has been utterly destroyed.

The two ex-foreign secretaries have been caught peddling influence by yet another obvious media trap, in what experts described as the ‘highpoint of both their careers’.

But voters said Rifkind should really have known better, while Straw has absolutely made their day.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “Rifkind chairs the committee overseeing Britain’s security services, so he probably shouldn’t have ‘for sale’ tattooed on his bald patch.

“And as a former Tory cabinet minister you’d think he’d have made enough money from the private sector by now. That, and the fact he doesn’t think he gets paid for being an MP, suggests he might be a cretin.

“That’s not going to help in the fight against Al Qaeda, Putin and the French.”

Jane Thompson, from Peterborough, added: “I want to thank Jack Straw. I know his cowardly self-interest over the Iraq war made him look like a manky little shit, but this was the one I really wanted.

“Hopefully it’ll continue for a few more days and I’ll get to witness the collapse of his smug little face.

“That would be great.”


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Daily Mail still surprised that people who went to public school can f*ck up

THE Daily Mail will never get over the novelty of privately educated people making bad decisions, it has been confirmed.

Mail Online journalist Mary Fisher said: “Although I am utterly cynical in all other respects, the idea of someone with a paid-for education becoming a drug dealer still fills me with an almost childlike awe.

“What were they thinking? They had, one assumes, the best possible start in live. Loving parents with corporate jobs, family holidays to Tuscany, a pony.

“It’s an affront to the laws of the universe.”

Fisher also highlighted forthcoming stories about former private school pupils who stole lorries, tried crack or became mercenaries in some obscure guerrilla war.

“This is the kind of behaviour one might reasonably expect from a comprehensive pupil who has never eaten their dinner in an oak-panelled hall.

“But these children had blazers with insignia on them. It blows your mind.”