Britons wearily accept that their prime minister put his cock in a pig's mouth

THE nation is not remotely surprised to hear that its leader shoved his penis into the mouth of a dead pig.

Reports that David Cameron mimicked the act of fellatio with the severed head of a farm animal while his Bullingdon Club friends whooped and cheered have been greeted with tired indifference.

Bus driver Roy Hobbs said: “That’s exactly the sort of thing I imagined they got up to.

“By ‘they’ I mean our masters, the people who have always run the country and always will. They can do what they want because they have money, power and a callous indifference to most things.

“Meanwhile I shall continue driving this bus every day.”

Teacher Mary Fisher said: “I can’t remember whether I had already heard this or just thought I did.

“I’m sure I saw a satirical play at Edinburgh called Pigshead Revisited where one of them got noshed off by a pig, but maybe it was Osborne or Boris. But I might have dreamed that.

“Anyway, you only have to look at them to know what they’re like.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

John Lewis begins destruction of Christmas advert song

JOHN Lewis has begun the annual process of turning a much-loved song into an insipid mess in time for Christmas.

The song, believed to be by Madness, will be dismantled to identify the parts that make it good so they can be removed and replaced with tinkly whimsy.

Engineer Nikki Hollis said: “We’ve been milk-feeding a stage school waif in a darkened room for the last eight months so they can sing it with the sufficient lack of oomph.

“By now they sound like a baby owl with a collapsed lung meekly asking for its mummy.”

Defeated Madness fan, Tom Logan, said: “I’m imagining a mournful version of Our House replete with breathy vocals and minor piano chords.

“John Lewis has become so good at this that it’ll probably become the only version of Our House I remember when I’m 70.  Surely that’s evil?”