PRIME Minister Gordon Brown has instructed senior aides to begin preparations for an erection on 25 October.
A series of positive opinion polls has convinced Brown to gamble on a snap erection, believing it will deliver a decisive mandate for the next phase of the New Labour project.
Labour insiders have confirmed the Prime Minister has ordered a full erection from 8-8.15am on the last Thursday in October.
A source said: "The big question is: now that we've made this pathetic joke, what are we going to do with it?
"Gordon's ingrained presbyterian work ethic means he is not the sort of man who would waste a perfectly good erection.
"He's currently inclined towards standing naked in front of the mirror while singing To Be a Pilgrim.
"Ed Balls wants him to video conference it with National Association of Head Teachers, while there are some who are suggesting we all go into the garden and watch Douglas Alexander hang things from it."
The source added: "I doubt he'd get away with anything heavier than a damp polo-shirt on a wire hanger, but Douglas is already practicing with a bicycle chain, some barbecue tongs and a bag of clementines.
"No chance. The tongs and the polo-shirt, maybe – but the Prime Minister would have to be incredibly erect."
Meanwhile the latest YouGov poll shows that public support for an autumn general election has peaked with three voters now suggesting that they might take an interest, depending on weather, traffic and the next series of Grey's Anatomy.