ALISTAIR Darling has been described as 'the worst chancellor since the invention of numbers'. The pressure is on, but can he pull a rabbit out of his battered red hat? If so, will he then lose the rabbit? Or will the rabbit be appointed to the board of Northern Rock? And is this so-called rabbit domiciled in this country or not? Ladies and gentleman, all the way from Downing Street in London's fashionable West End, we give you THE BUDGET!
1230: Chancellor stands up
1231: Chancellor shits himself
1232: British economy like an injured greyhound, says Darling
1233: Curious expression plays across prime minister's face
1234: "Britain better than foreigners"
1240: JAM TAX! As expected chancellor drops jam bombshell. Sell jam now.
1241: "Jam companies have a responsibility to society"
1244: "18, 76,000, 14.6, a billion and twelve, 90," says chancellor
1248: Gordon Brown pushes chancellor out of the way and tells him he's 'doing it all wrong'.
1251: "Pruuuuuuudence! Pruuuuuuuudence!" shouts prime minister
1252: After short tussle, chancellor regains control of dispatch box
1254: Pledge to abolish poor children. 'They're so horrid' says chancellor
1257: "UK remains one of the best places in the world to do the business"
1259: Women told to stop being so lazy and get a job
1302: Free bricks to help young people onto housing ladder
1304: £10m million for plastic scissors
1306: Glasgow-London journey time reduced to 'less than two weeks'
1307: Caroline Flint bends over to pick up a pen
1309: Caroline Flint is now sucking on the pen. Go on.
1311: Tax on showrooms!
1318: Cars to be taxed based on size of boot
1320: Cigarettes to be sold from box full of cobras
1321: FUCKING HELL! 55p on a bottle of Scotch! What a prick!
1323: And he's giving it to the fucking pensioners!
1324: Chancellor sits down
1325: Chancellor shits himself. Again.