Cameron sets out Tory dream of grateful minions with nice big tellies

DAVID Cameron has set out the ‘Conservative dream’ of a society of hard-working drones who love television more than life itself.

In a bid to rescue the Tory election campaign, the prime minister insisted that all people wanted was to work 12 hours a day for a gigantic corporation and then spend their earnings on the biggest television they could afford.

He said: “You get up at four o’clock in the morning to go to your little job so that you can buy a really massive ‘telly’.

“And not a just a telly, but the full Sky package, including all those documentaries you will never watch because they’re not about serial killers.

“And why should you watch non-serial killer documentaries when there’s Vin Diesel films, flamboyant wrestling and talent shows where decent, hard-working people like you try their best to sing a song?”

He added: “You worked hard for that big ‘telly’ and you should be able to pass it on to your children. They’ll have to pay for the Sky subscription, but because they’re decent, they will also have a little hard-working job that starts in the middle of the night.

“You’re all marvellous, Britain is great and Ed Miliband wants to ban television because he’s an Islamic fundamentalist.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

DVLA launches Thinking About Buying A Car Tax

ANYONE considering getting a car now has to pay the DVLA from the moment it crosses their mind.

The vehicle agency, which recently made car tax non-transferable because it can, has warned that even non-driving Britons could be liable for car thought crime.

Teaching assistant Norman Steele said: “I got a moody letter and a £1200 fine dating back to when I bookmarked a Fiat Punto on a car website last April.

“I explained that I had gone off the idea since then but the monotone-voiced man at the DVLA said they had looked into my subconscious and on some level I still wanted it.

“I said that was nonsense but he replied ‘we have access to everything in your brain, including what you did in Prague in 2004’. I can’t say what that is but it’s bad shit that nobody knows about.”

A DVLA spokesman said: “If you’re thinking about, or thinking you might start thinking about, anything car-related then you need to give us money.

“Otherwise you will go to a special prison full of large bold rats that will get on your face.”