University of Bedfordshire enters Boat Race

THE University of Bedfordshire has sent a team to compete against Oxford and Cambridge in tomorrow’s 161st boat race.

The race will feature three teams for the first time since its inception in 1829 after a battered mini-bus pulled up at the start line, unloading students who asked for ten minutes to blow their dinghy up.

Cambridge cox Denys Finch-Hatton said: “We couldn’t just turn our guests away, but we do have major concerns over their readiness for the event.

“Their boat, which is an eight-foot three-seater inflatable crocodile, doesn’t have room for the entire team, let alone all that cheap cider.

“They only have one oar, which is currently being used to dig a barbecue pit on the banks of the Tideway, and they snigger every time anyone says ‘cox’.”

Bedfordshire student Wayne Hayes said: “Our secret weapon is this small outboard motor.”

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The Mash guide to Ed Miliband’s ex-girlfriends

ED MILIBAND’S former girlfriends are the key issue swaying floating voters in the general election. But who are the ex-lovers of this goggle-eyed North London pervert?

STEPHANIE FLANDERS, a Newsnight editor whose family owns the Flanders fields in Belgium where British soldiers were killed in World War One. Stephanie’s family collected a royalty for each death which she and Ed used to spend on expensive meals in Islington.

NIKKI HOLLIS, the dirty bike of Haverstock Comprehensive who would do it with anyone. According to friends, Ed hypocritically ditched his socialist principles by trading cigarettes for a hand-job.

EDWINA CURRIE, irresistible siren of Westminster who seduced Ed in the Strangers’ Bar using lines from The Graduate.

EMMELINE PANKHURST, dangerous Northern leftist who believed in the use of violence to subvert the democratic process.

LOUISE MILIBAND, wife of his brother David. Ed arranged for his brother to burst in on the two of them in flagrante on the very day Ed won the Labour leadership ballot, in a calculated double betrayal that would leave his hated brother a broken man.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON, who Ed callously led to believe he had fallen for, slept with and then left without ever calling back.

EUROPE, who Ed is deeply in love with and lavishes with expensive gifts, promising that she will one day have Britain as her plaything.