Cameron to tackle BNP by doing exactly what they want

DAVID Cameron is to halt the rise of the BNP by ensuring they have nothing to complain about.

In a keynote speech the prime minister will say the fascists’ recent success is because of Labour’s ‘open door’ immigration policy and to counter the BNP that policy must be reversed in accordance with page five of the BNP manifesto.

He will tell an audience in Hampshiristan: “Support for the BNP is directly proportional to immigration. So the fewer immigrants we have the weaker the BNP becomes, until eventually there are no immigrants and no racists.

“And isn’t that what we all want?”

Mr Cameron is also expected to deploy his latest integration bullshit and stress that if immigrants are subject to racism it is probably because they are foreign.

He will add: “Britain is defined by its overwhelming sense of community. We know the names of all of our neighbours and are in and out of each other’s houses all the time.

“We say a cheerful ‘hello’ to everyone we pass on the way to the bus stop and every weekend we all get together in the church hall for a nice pot of tea and some sticky buns that have not been ritually slaughtered.

“So when someone comes here with their halal bagels and doesn’t say ‘good morning’ in a loud, clear voice it is perfectly natural to hate them and the colour of their skin is completely irrelevant.”

Mr Cameron will insist that where traditional community values have been eroded it is because of multiculturalism and has nothing to do with increased television viewing, work place stress, the absurd price of a pint or the Mail and the News of the World scaring everyone shitless about paedophiles.

The prime minister will also insist that immigrants learn English to a sufficient standard so they are able to send semi-literate text messages or post grammatically bizarre and emotionally troubled ramblings on newspaper websites.

But Tom Logan, professor of thinly-disguised racism at Reading University, said: “You may say they are coming here and helping themselves to ‘our’ jobs and services, but if they then say that we helped ourselves to their countries for 200 years then that’s what grown-ups call a ‘valid argument’.

“And if you’re the sort of ‘person’ who is worried about Sharia law taking over Britain, then what you need to do is shut your stupid fucking hole because it’s a demented, racist lie.

“Meanwhile, if you point that out to someone and they roll their eyes or call you ‘naive’ then for Christ’s sake back away because they are about to start defending ‘that poor bloke from Midsomer Murders’ and then you’ll want to ritually slaughter yourself.”



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Key to happiness is 'being left alone by happiness campaigners'

THE secret to lasting happiness is being left alone by people who think your mood is any of their business, it has emerged.

As Action for Happiness, a mass movement to improve general wellbeing, unveiled its list of 10 steps to contentment, researchers stressed that everyone would absolutely hate it and them.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It includes things like ‘giving’, ‘relating’ and ‘exercising’. It says we should ‘appreciate’ local wildlife, set ‘goals’ for ourselves, learn ‘a language’.

“It does seem that they may have mistaken us for a bunch of fucking Blue Peter presenters. ‘Yeah, let’s all be really active, engaged, socially aware citizens’.

“Piss off, you freaks.”

Meanwhile, the Institute for Studies has compiled its own 10 Quick Steps to Easy Happiness:

So many options. With a chum, in a public lavatory. At home alone is nice too.

2. Television
Have you seen Boardwalk Empire? It’s the balls.

3. Meat
Take time to appreciate the animal life around you and then eat it in a bun.

4. Foreigners
Impersonate their ridiculous accents and accuse them of bestiality.

5. Give up
Having a goal in life is stressful. And annoying. No-one cares if you’re ‘successful’ and neither should you.

6.  Ignorance
The more you know about the world the more horrifying it becomes. Learn nothing and persecute the intelligent.

7. Smugness
You’re brilliant and everyone else is an arse.

8. Power
Be part of something bigger – like a club or society – and then rule it with an iron fist.

9. Just be, like, you know, happy
It may seem like a grotesque over-simplification, but it is better than being sad.

10. ‘Fuck off’
If you meet anyone who is a member of Action for Happiness, tell them to ‘fuck off’. You will feel fantastic.