Child poverty renamed ‘infant cash flow problems'

THE government has announced that child poverty is now known as infant cash flow problems.

After successfully retitling the Minimum Wage as the Living Wage, ministers have decided that renaming things is easier than sorting them out.

A government spokesman said: “Children’s income fluctuates dependent on factors like pocket money and Saturday jobs, it’s patronising to describe them as living in poverty when they’ve just hit a temporary bump in the road.

“An eight-year-old can be out of cash one week, but then pick a lucrative freelance paper round contract that sees them rolling in sweets and comics.

“We will also be renaming homelessness as ‘temporary roof absence’, and anyone caught manipulating their child benefits will be called a ‘kiddie benefit fiddler’, to provide the maximum amount of demonisation.”

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Friend always takes excessive amount of rolling tobacco

A 28-YEAR-OLD woman routinely takes an extravagant amount of tobacco when friends offer her a roll up.

Part time smoker Helen Archer always exploits the gift of a roll up by helping herself to an average 4-5 times more tobacco than is necessary.

Archer’s friend Tom Booker said: “She rolls them like they’re cigars and I’m not made of money. 

“I don’t mind her having one. I mean, we grew up together, but fucking hell, it’s pure opportunism.

“Also she roached my new packet of Rizlas without asking, which bugged me a bit.”

However Archer said: “I bought 20 cigs when we were out a few weeks back and he smoked most of them.

 “That’s equivalent to an infinite amount of rolling tobacco.”

Prisoner Norman Steele said: “If you did that in here you would get stabbed. Morals tend to be a bit lax in prison but we’re very strict on stuff like that.”