Clegg basically resigns

NICK Clegg has basically resigned from everything he does.

The self-styled deputy prime minister and leader of the Liberal Democrats will continue to ‘hold’ his titles, but he will not ‘be’ them.

The move came as Mr Clegg admitted that he should have gone into coalition with Labour and that he has absolutely no idea what he is doing.

He told The House magazine: “It’s all wrong, isn’t it?

“I think I might have suspected it was wrong at the time, but everyone kept saying ‘do this, do that’ and so I just went along with it because I had no experience and it was quite obvious that no-one was going to listen to a word I said.

“From the very beginning it was clear to me that I had no credibility, authority or intellect. I remember at the end of my first week sitting down at my desk and thinking ‘I’m just a haircut in a suit’.

“The blame for this lies squarely with the British people. Why would they vote for someone like that?”

He added: “I’m actually thinking of joining the Labour Party. I wonder if I could be a sort of caretaker deputy prime minister and a member of the shadow cabinet at the same time. I honestly don’t think anyone would mind.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Yeah… we’re probably not going to phone him any more.”

Meanwhile, a Liberal Democrat spokesman said: “Yeah… we’re probably not going to phone him any more.”


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Our burgers would contain race horses, says Waitrose

WAITROSE beefburgers do not contain horses but if they did they would be thoroughbreds, the supermarket has confirmed.

The store removed its range of frozen burgers from sale after it emerged that the horses that have found their way into the UK diet were all fat and useless.

A Waitrose spokesman said: “If – and I stress if – our customers expressed an interest in eating horses we would scour the land for only the finest equine muscle.

“Our horses would be like Black Beauty galloping across the Downs, their flowing manes dancing in the wind as they make for a distant point on the horizon known only as ‘freedom’.

“Then we’d get Heston Blumenthal to mince them up with some organic redcurrants and a vintage bicycle.”

He added: “So to recap – at present, absolutely no horses whatsoever. In future, possibly horses, but really, really nice ones.”

Pointing at her local Waitrose in Stevenage, shopper Jane Thompson, said: “Whatever goes on in there is fine with me.

“I would buy a boned and jointed Amazonian tribesman because I’d know that it would have been ethically sourced and the artisan manhunters would have been given a fair price.

“And as long as it has a nice label.”