Clegg convinces himself apology was genuine

LIB DEM leader Nick Clegg has succeeded in believing the sincerity of his own apology.

The self-styled deputy prime minister produced a video in which he said sorry for his party’s broken pledge on tuition fees and then watched it more than 50 times until he was absolutely convinced.

He said: “At first I thought it was so typical of me, but then after I had seen it a dozen times I started to think, ‘maybe I really mean this’.

“I studied the expression on my face very closely and was , looking for tell-tale signs of dishonesty but came up wanting. I also noticed that I blinked exactly the same amount as you would except from a person who was telling the truth.

“Also, I thought my choice of shirt was incredibly contrite.”

He added: “After seeing my apology I am now willing to give me a second chance. I’ve been very hard on myself but I now realise that government is not easy and it’s about time I gave myself the benefit of the doubt.

“This video has finally convinced me that I acted in good faith and that when I say I will never again make a promise I can’t keep I am inclined to believe myself.”

Julian Cook, professor of Lib Dem apologies at Roehampton University, said: “I’ve come to the conclusion that Nick Clegg can only be described as a politician in the broadest possible sense.

“Yes, he is an MP, a party leader and a member of the cabinet but what he has been doing for the last three years is not politics. It’s just weird, and not in a good way.”

He added: “Also, apologising to bigots and homophobes is offensive, but apologising to students is like a fucking war crime.”



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Am I going to Hell for watering my plants in the nod?

Dear Holly,

Wills and Kate’s legal battle has left me confused about whether my own habit of nude gardening is shameful. Am I doomed to eternal damnation for watering my plants in the nod?


Kings Lynn

Dear Tom,

Isn’t it funny that grown-ups get all hot and bothered when someone gets naked? Animals don’t care: my granny’s dog Bilko is naked ALL the time, and you can see his willy and balls and everything, and our cat is always rubbing his big pink bumhole in the faces of people who come to visit. Our teacher at school says a long time ago in the seventies, when Jesus’ mum and dad, Adam and Eve were alive, they would be in the skud all the time, hanging about like hippies in a garden, running through a sprinkler and making mud pies and stuff. They would have avoided the sandpit though because of chafing. Anyway, one day, Eve got talking to a snake called Gok Wan who grabbed her boobies and told her that as a larger lady she should reconsider her wardrobe, and Eve got all embarrassed and covered her modesty with £19.99 skinny jeans that gave her a terrible fat back. And that’s basically why people started wearing clothes. It’s a true story.

Hope that helps!