Clegg put in charge of the paranormal

NICK Clegg has denied being sidelined by the government after becoming Minister for Paranormal Investigations.

Clegg’s new role will involve travelling around the UK investigating ghosts, UFOs and ‘cryptoozoological animals’ including owl men and talking polecats.

Clegg said: “I will continue to play a full and active role in Westminster politics, albeit from a field in Cornwall while searching for a stray panther.

“My coalition colleagues have been 110% behind me, providing me with a complete paranormal detection kit including an old Ford Transit, a video camera and an electrician’s voltmeter.

“They even gave me a proton pack for capturing ghosts, which is categorically not just a vacuum cleaner with a laser pointer sellotaped to the nozzle. Luckily I will be working alone, so there is no danger of crossing the beams.

“Cynics would argue that the paranormal is completely made up. But that’s exactly what they said to Fox Mulder.

“I showed Vince Cable a picture of some ‘orbs’ and he was most impressed.”

Political analyst Nikki Hollis said: “Initially I thought this was a ploy to reduce Nick Clegg’s influence on British politics. Then I remembered he has no influence on British politics.”

Clegg announced his new role at the Liberal Democrat conference in Brighton, where delegates responded by staring at his very attractive wife.



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England confident of hitting 20 run target

STUART Broad has insisted that England can reduce its runs total to 20 in the Twenty20 finals.

The side posted a much-decreased score of 80 against India, who leaked a showy and excessive 170 runs in reply, and are looking forward to wrapping up their tie against the West Indies on Thursday in under an hour.

Broad said: “We’re really getting the hang of limited-runs cricket but we’re going to have to work hard at waving the bat around like a rainbow flag at a Pride parade if we’re to get down to the magic 20 figure.

“Our bowling attack, if that is the correct term, has also assured me that our opponents will struggle to keep their score under three figures.”

T20 cricket was developed to attract new fans to cricket by promising them they wouldn’t have to suffer too long but England played disastrously in 2010, continuing to score bloated run totals until they were the last team left in the tournament.

The ECB promised to overhaul the national squad to ensure fans would not have to watch so many games in future and started by removing Kevien Pietersen, a notorious run-culprit, from the side.

The work on reducing England’s contact with the ball continues ahead of their Super Eight match later this week, with hand grenades being used in the batting nets to instil a genuine terror of flying round things.

Broad said: “A lot of England fans have travelled out to Sri Lanka and we’ll do our best to ensure they have an exciting time doing something other than watch us play cricket.”