NICK Clegg has denied being sidelined by the government after becoming Minister for Paranormal Investigations.
Cleggs new role will involve travelling around the UK investigating ghosts, UFOs and ‘cryptoozoological animals’ including owl men and talking polecats.
Clegg said: I will continue to play a full and active role in Westminster politics, albeit from a field in Cornwall while searching for a stray panther.
My coalition colleagues have been 110% behind me, providing me with a complete paranormal detection kit including an old Ford Transit, a video camera and an electricians voltmeter.
They even gave me a proton pack for capturing ghosts, which is categorically not just a vacuum cleaner with a laser pointer sellotaped to the nozzle. Luckily I will be working alone, so there is no danger of crossing the beams.
Cynics would argue that the paranormal is completely made up. But thats exactly what they said to Fox Mulder.
“I showed Vince Cable a picture of some ‘orbs’ and he was most impressed.”
Political analyst Nikki Hollis said: Initially I thought this was a ploy to reduce Nick Cleggs influence on British politics. Then I remembered he has no influence on British politics.”
Clegg announced his new role at the Liberal Democrat conference in Brighton, where delegates responded by staring at his very attractive wife.