Conservative Party still pretending it’s not completely f**ked

THE Conservative Party is continuing to pretend Brexit has not left it completely and utterly fucked.

As Conservative MPs accused each other of being insane and/or lying bastards, party insiders insisted everything was fine.

A source said: “Regardless of the outcome everyone will be friends again. That’s the way we do things in the Conservative Party.

“We’re not some band of ruthless maniacs who delight in the utter destruction of our close colleagues.”

Another senior source added: “There will be no murderous grudges or ruining of careers. There will be no civil war that will ultimately tear the party into tiny little pieces.

“It’s all going to be fantastic forever.”

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Dire warnings ‘don’t work when delivered in French’

THE French language just makes threats sound alluring or delicious, it has been confirmed.

As French President Francois Hollande warned a British exit from the EU would have terrifying consequences, Brexit supporters said he sounded quite sexy and not at all frightening.

Eurosceptic, Martin Bishop, said: “Either he was actively trying to seduce me or he was reeling off some kind of delicious recipe.

“Either way, I don’t feel threatened in the slightest. I feel hungry and, yes, perhaps even a little bit turned on.”

Brexit campaigner Roy Hobbs added: “I’d do whatever he asked if he looked right at me and said it in French.

“Except for voting to stay in the EU. Leaving the EU would be better than sex.”