‘RADICAL’ Jeremy Corbyn is actually just an 80s obsessive who wants to change Starbust back to Opal Fruits, it has emerged.
Corbyn said: “People have characterised me as some kind of Marxist, but the whole thing with renationalising stuff is just because I’m obsessed with the 80s in a fun, kitschy way. You should see my house, it’s full of old arcade machines.
“Any ‘politics’ is just a vehicle for promoting retro lifestyle. I love Only Fools and Horses, I wear deeley-boppers around the house and I’m totally mad for unelected union leaders attempting to bring down democratic governments.
“Oh, and I can get to level 256 on Pac-Man.”
Rival Yvette Cooper has responded by condemning outdated 80s revivalism, arguing that only her brand of late 90s revivalism is the future, while Liz Kendall said the only good thing to come out of the 1980s was Thatcher.
Andy Burnham’s camp have refused to confirm rumours that he is to play on his naturally kohled eyes and rich, full lashes to become the UK’s first gender-bending glam rock prime minister.