Corbyn and Osborne to share constituency with hilarious results

JEREMY Corbyn and George Osborne are to share a constituency in a sitcom-style ‘odd couple’ scenario.

With both MPs’ constituencies due to be abolished, the Boundary Commission felt the best solution was for them to share an office and have frequent comic misunderstandings.

A spokesman said: “We envisage Jeremy and George sitting at desks in the same room, with administrative support provided by a long-suffering secretary who rolls her eyes a lot.

“This will save taxpayers’ money, allow them to exchange quips and compete for the affections of attractive female constituents visiting to complain about potholes, or, more likely, immigrants.

“Osborne will probably say things like ‘I’ll be spending the weekend at my estate’ and Jeremy will reply, ‘Aye, and not the sort with a bleedin’ burnt out police car in the middle!’”

Osborne said: “I’m not in favour of the arrangement because that dreadful little scruffbag Che Guevara will lower the tone of the whole constituency. What will the neighbouring MPs think?”

Corbyn added: “I’ve agreed to it on the strict understanding that romance doesn’t blossom between us like Michael Elphick and Angela Thorne in Three Up, Two Down.”

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BBC pins hopes on soup

THE BBC has unveiled plans for a programme where people make soup in a tent.

Dubbed ‘the nation’s soupiest show’, The Great British Soup-Off gives contestants an array of vegetables and a blender then challenges them to make mind-blowing soup.

A BBC spokesman said: “Soup is all things to all men, it’s a meal and a drink at once. Everyone has their favourite soup, usually it’s tomato but sometimes it might be mushroom or onion.

“We’re expecting exciting vegetable combinations and maybe some garnish on top. There are so many creative directions with soup, for example it can be runny or thick with chunks of stuff in it.

“But one thing’s for sure – with the title of ‘Britain’s best soup maker’ at stake, emotions are sure to run high.”

The programme, which will almost certainly feature Dara O’Briain and Britain’s leading soup chef Wayne Hayes, emerged from a BBC brainstorming session entitled  ‘shit people can make in a tent’ where suggestions included shoes, jacket potatoes and samurai swords.

Meanwhile Channel 4 has bought all rights to cake, meaning that anyone ‘combining eggs, milk and flour in a cake-style recipe’ is potentially open to legal action.