Corbyn remembers to go back to work after Christmas

JEREMY Corbyn’s wife has reminded him he is leader of the opposition and suggested he returns to work.

After opening his Christmas presents of a tangerine and a large Brazil nut, Mr Corbyn spent the rest of the festive period cataloguing his seed collection, becoming so involved in the process that he forgot he has a job.

Mr Corbyn’s aide Emma Bradshaw said: “It turned out we actually got a lot done without his bike and his opinions cluttering up the office. But then Tom Watson started getting funny about it because he’d come back early from an acid house rave in Taunton.

“We phoned Jeremy’s house and his wife answered. She sounded quite surprised because she hadn’t seen him since Boxing Day.

“Eventually she found him in the shed but said he couldn’t come to the phone because he would lose count of his parsnip seeds, but he’d try and make it in tomorrow.”

Mr Corbyn said: “Nothing is more important to me than leading the Labour Party into government. Apart from page 35 of this organic seed catalogue.”

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Giving up alcohol, cigarettes and sugar simultaneously 'not a problem', experts insist

JANUARY is the perfect time to stop smoking and drinking alcohol while simultaneously eating healthily and taking up exercise, experts believe. 

Doctors have advised the public that any changes to unhealthy lifestyles should be made all at once and to the most extreme extent possible, not gradually.

Dietician Dr Carolyn Ryan said: “Why stop at cutting out sugar? Cut out fat as well. And carbs. And you know what else is bad for you? Coffee.

“It’s no problem going from two bottles of wine a night to absolute abstinence, not if you’ve got willpower. It’s actually easier than the other way.

“Sure, only eating salads and drinking water is a bit of a change, so best make it into a major change by training for a marathon at the same time.

“And you know what’s good for whiling away the hours on a treadmill? Finally reading that Ulysses you got on Kindle last New Year. Stop slacking.”