Corbyn waiting at Dover to give signal to Czechoslovakian invaders

JEREMY Corbyn is hunkered down near the White Cliffs of Dover ready to send a signal to the secretly reunified country of Czechoslovakia to invade the United Kingdom.

Dressed in a black cap, donkey jacket and “CCCP” red t-shirt, Corbyn is on the point of sending up a red flare to summon the vast Czech navy.

An MI6 source said: “We believe that in collaboration with a Czech spy, Corbyn co-organised Live Aid to render the British people docile and receptive to any old hackneyed mass spectacle, from U2 to Status Quo.

“A passionate Czechophile, Corbyn rode out the collapse of the Soviet Union, hoping that a steady diet of Staropramen would gradually dull the wits of his countrymen over 30 years.

“Corbyn believes that a country that would almost elect someone like him is so sunk on the bones of its collective arse that it is more vulnerable to a foreign takeover than at any point in the last 1000 years of its island history.”

When it was pointed out that Corbyn was addressing a Socialist Knitting Collective in Carlisle at the time he was supposed to be in Dover, the source said: “He has thousands of lookalikes recruited from allotments.”

'Not all millennials are unbearable arseholes' claims unbearable millennial arsehole

NOT all millennials are dreadful arseholes, one of them has insisted.

Josh Peters, a 20-year-old who works as a social media marketing intern, made the extraordinary claim despite appearing to be little more than a walking, talking sperm with a hairstyle.

“We are not all narcissistic, lazy and overconfident”, the narcissistic, lazy and overconfident little bastard whined, absolutely stinking the place out with his sense of entitlement.

“Sure some young people are superficial and self-absorbed, but you can’t tarnish us all with the same brush”, the soulless prick droned on, using a figure of speech he probably got from an ironic list on Buzzfeed.

But the claim was refuted by Stephen Malley, 37, who works at the same company as Peters but in a job someone born before 1995e has a chance of understanding.

He said: “Josh is as bad as the rest of those over privileged foetuses. Sure he’s always on time, gets his work done and is a pleasure to deal with, but he’s a millennial and is therefore scum.

“If millennials wanted to go to university for free and be able to buy a flat they should have got in there first like the Baby Boomers and Generation X.

“But no, they’ve just turned up late and moaned about it. Yet another example of millennial laziness and entitlement.”