JEREMY Corbyn is hunkered down near the White Cliffs of Dover ready to send a signal to the secretly reunified country of Czechoslovakia to invade the United Kingdom.
Dressed in a black cap, donkey jacket and “CCCP” red t-shirt, Corbyn is on the point of sending up a red flare to summon the vast Czech navy.
An MI6 source said: “We believe that in collaboration with a Czech spy, Corbyn co-organised Live Aid to render the British people docile and receptive to any old hackneyed mass spectacle, from U2 to Status Quo.
“A passionate Czechophile, Corbyn rode out the collapse of the Soviet Union, hoping that a steady diet of Staropramen would gradually dull the wits of his countrymen over 30 years.
“Corbyn believes that a country that would almost elect someone like him is so sunk on the bones of its collective arse that it is more vulnerable to a foreign takeover than at any point in the last 1000 years of its island history.”
When it was pointed out that Corbyn was addressing a Socialist Knitting Collective in Carlisle at the time he was supposed to be in Dover, the source said: “He has thousands of lookalikes recruited from allotments.”