David Davis pays £50m to get out of gym contract

BREXIT secretary David Davis has happily paid over £50 million to cancel his contract at Fitness First.

Davis initially attempted to walk away from his gym membership without paying a penny, demanding that he still be allowed to use the showers and juice bar ‘on an ad hoc basis’, before being reminded that he had signed up to a 24-month contract.

Following extensive negotiations, Fitness First finally agreed to release Davis from all financial obligations if he gave them £50,000,001 and withdrew his application to be Hunk Of The Month for January.

Davis said: “I’m feeling very positive about this. I’m free to enter into negotiations with other gyms, who I expect will be desperate to associate with a body like mine.

“And if no deal is forthcoming, I’ll just set up my own gym at home. I’ve seen a rowing machine for sale on Gumtree, and I can borrow Michael Gove’s dumbbells.

“I’ll call it Davy Davis’s Locker and the only music will be Dame Vera Lynn and The Best of the Eagles. “

However Davis’s home gym will remain on hold while he completes negotiations with Netflix, who have repeatedly insisted they are unable to ‘throw in’ every episode of Bergerac.

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Jacob Rees-Mogg 'viewed lithographs of Victorian ladies' ankles'

JACOB Rees-Mogg perused lithographs showing the bare ankles of Victorian strumpets in his constituency office, it has been claimed.

The Tory MP has denied all wrongdoing, claiming the 19th century prints with titles including Gentlemen’s Relish and The Coquettish Ones must have been left on his desk by a cleaner.

However a police spokesman said: “There were thousands of these faded lithographs showing stuff from flashes of ankles to glimpses of bare elbow during a tennis game.

“There was even one of an unmarried woman talking to a Welshman. Not really what an MP should be looking at whilst in the workplace.”

Onlookers reported seeing box after box of lithographs being removed from Rees-Mogg’s office, along with a fur-lined chastity belt and a DVD of I, Daniel Blake.