Donald Trump’s guide to being the perfect guest

WHEN you’re the world’s most important leader, with the highest poll numbers, everyone wants you to visit their country. I have a very good relationship with the Queen of England. Here’s how: 

Take a Twitter break

Britain doesn’t have Twitter. It doesn’t even have telephones. Respect your guests by not using technology they’re not familiar with. If you’ve tweeted ‘Sadiq Khan is a stone cold loser and short! (I’m tall)’ then it won’t appear on the front page of the London Times until Thursday’s edition goes to print.

Bring gifts

The mayor of New York, great guy, Ed Koch, Democrat, I used to give him gifts in exchange for building contracts. That wasn’t illegal because now I’m President. Bring gifts now – signed copy of The Art of the Deal, an apartment in Trump Tower, a pure-bred Siberian lynx – then move in and buy England once it’s weak.

Don’t stink out the bathroom 

Use the air freshener and open a window if you have to. Buckingham Palace has plenty of bathrooms. Blame it on your weird son-in-law.

Don’t complain about the facilities

In a backward country like Ye Olde England there may not be basic facilities such as Fox News. Instead of complaining petulantly keep channel surfing until you find something educational, like a UFO documentary.

Return the favour

Of course I invite my hosts to stay with me. I have the best manners. Me, Her Majesty Elizabeth, Lord Farage and that Kate, not my type, are going to play golf in Florida.