DUP reminding everyone of that angry, dickhead flatmate

THE DUP is increasingly reminding the UK of that one flatmate they had who was always standing in the kitchen, arms folded, furious.

The party, which spends every hour of every day convinced it is being lied to, cheated and disrespected, is giving Britain flashbacks to its low-waged, flat-sharing years.

Nathan Muir, from Manchester, said: “God, you’d get home fancying a bit of telly and walk straight into a silent ‘house meeting’ they’d called because someone had used their conditioner.

“And from there it’d go into the chores rota, who had music on late when they had to be up to work on Tesco’s fish counter at 7am, and their unswerving, burning conviction that someone was hiding a kettle in their room.

“I can’t even remember their face anymore. I just see Arlene Foster, staring, trying to force me to confess it was me who broke her Scottie dog mug and hid the bits at the bottom of the bin.

“You’d end up moving out even though it cost you a month’s rent and your share of the deposit, just to get away before they itemised the phone bill. As Theresa May is doing now.”

Arlene Foster said: “The Loyalist community demands the big shelf in the fridge. That’s fair.”