Farage and Geldof in naval battle just as prophecy foretold

NIGEL Farage has faced Bob Geldof in a pitched battle on the Thames, just like the fortune-teller said.

Farage and Geldof chased each other up and down the river for several hours soundtracked by Magic FM as predicted by Margaret of Shrewsbury in 1349.

Witness Nikki Hollis said: “I never thought the references to ‘Bob Geldof’ and ‘Nigel Farage’ and ‘a flotilla of angry fishermen’ were meant to be taken literally, but it turns out I was wrong.

“Margaret knew all along that Geldof’s ship would be boarded by hose-wielding trawlermen while Kate Hoey was sick over the side, and that David Coburn would challenge Alex Salmond to a duel on the waves. More fool us for doubting her.

“For years, I wondered what the words ‘it will be live-tweeted by Buzzfeed’ meant. Well now we know.”

Hollis added that she was looking forward to the next stage of the prophecy, where Prime Minister Boris Johnson opens the seventh seal and ushers in the end times.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Gemini is often grouped with Scorpio, Leo and ironically Virgo because you are all signs with stripper names.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Not long to go now until the EU vote, but you are still waiting to see what Geoff down the pub reckons, as he’s usually reliably belligerent.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your Twitter account is still suspended so you have been reduced to ringing on people’s doorbells, asking if anyone famous lives there and if so, saying they are a whore.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not raise morale at work by shouting your fucking mouth once in a while?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You are always being told it’s trendy to photograph what you had for dinner and put it on Instagram but your pictures of you sobbing next to four empty cans of Kestrel aren’t getting many likes.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After booking an appointment with a perfumier to find a scent that will make you irresistible to women in your neighbourhood, you now have a small bottle of ‘Essence of GBH arrest sheet’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Summertime, and the living is easy. Like your mum.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your horoscope this week is one of those lovely old ones off Teletext page 128. Ah, really nostalgic. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A disappointing weekend on the leisure front when you go to a fish restaurant, because nobody likes a fish restaurant. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your career prospects improve tomorrow when you discover you are a giant shapeshifting alien lizard, like the Queen and the Bilderberg Group, and you start including it on your CV. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
This week your barista at Starbucks gets your name right and your order completely wrong, and you concede yes, it was better the other way.  

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Like fellow Taurean Lily Allen, your father is Keith Allen. Sorry. Didn’t know how to break it to you.