Bjork going to f**k Ronaldo up

ICELANDIC singer Bjork is flying to France to kick Cristiano Ronaldo’s arse, police have confirmed. 

The singer, famous for her precision takedown of a journalist at Bangkok Airport in 1996, has promised to “fuck up Ronaldo like Iceland’s volcanic emissions fuck up flights” for his disparaging remarks about her home country. 

Bjork said: “I’ll show him a small mentality. By the time I’m finished with that preening bitch you’ll be able to fit what’s left in a puffin. 

“Using all my best moves, from slamming his head against a concrete floor to a full performance of challenging electronica about my divorce. 

“Gonna do to you what our left-wing socialist government does to bankers. Yeah you better run.” 

Ronaldo said: “I offer a full and frank apology for my intemperate and erroneous comments. 

“I now accept that Iceland were the better team, that I am nothing but a spoilt, gelled child, and that Portugal has never produced a successful international music act. 

“We are good for nothing but cork.”