Owls sick of being stereotyped as Harry Potter postal assistants

OWLS have demanded to be recognised as wild, majestic creatures rather than key workers in a fantasy post office.

Protesting outside the new Harry Potter play, owls have expressed their dissatisfaction at still being pigeonholed as semi-skilled delivery operatives in the world of a child wizard.

Tawny owl Tom Booker said: “As a fascinating and mysterious raptor, I find it very frustrating to be relegated to the role of a postman in this populist nonsense.

“Shakespeare used owls to foreshadow death in Macbeth and Julius Ceaser, you know.

“I can even get on board with the Owl in Winnie the Pooh, because even though he was a bit of an arse, he was at least respected by everyone who lived in the 100 Acre Wood.

“It’s almost as if JK Rowling has got it in for us, for some reason. I find her prose turgid and flat, but I’d never suggest she become a cleaner instead.

“She just doesn’t respect us and our capabilities. I’d like to see her try and turn her head 270 degrees, that’s all I’m saying.”

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Entire nation definitely to blame for its hooligans

PEOPLE who fight at football matches represent the attitudes and values of their entire nation, it has been confirmed.

Following violent clashes with Russian fans, the English media confirmed that the country as a whole should be judged on the actions of its most violent knobheads.

Tabloid journalist Roy Hobbs said: “These Russians turn up at the football, an innocent game played for entertainment purposes, and start smashing things and hitting people. This is historically unprecedented behaviour.

“They called themselves ‘hooligans’ – a Russian word that means ‘fearless warrior bear’.

“What sort of race would indulge in such savagery? Any nation whose young men fight at sporting events must be irredeemably savage and corrupt.

“Clearly they are some primitive warlike civilisation, genetically inferior to peace-loving lands like ours and probably we should have a war with them.

“There’s no way anyone in Russia could possibly disagree with their actions or think that they are dicks.”