Farage offers to 'vet' every immigrant

UKIP leader Nigel Farage will vet every potential immigrant to Britain, including a full medical.

Farage said UKIP’s immigration policy is him conducting at least 50,000 ‘examinations’ each year, in a bid to ‘weed out anyone who thinks incorrect thoughts or has poor personal hygiene’.

The UKIP leader said he would meet at least 140 applicants a day, 365 days a year in order to ‘maintain the highest levels of vigilance’.

He said: “It’s a seven minute exam. They present their CV and have one minute to sell themselves and then I get stuck in.

“There will be some English history, a trick question about Chinese food and then I put on the latex glove.

“Then they have to neck a pint of John Smith’s in less than eight seconds, while I march around the room shouting absolute filth.

“But of course all of that counts for nothing if I just don’t like the look of them.”

Farage stressed that none of the other party leaders had offered to vet 50,000 immigrants a year, because ‘they’re not prepared to use the glove’.


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Enjoyment of film ruined by lurking cursor

A 31-YEAR-MAN has expressed deep frustration at his failure to make the cursor disappear while watching a film on his laptop.

Stephen Malley found himself unable to enjoy The Conjuring because of a little black arrow mocking him from the edge of the screen.

He said: ”No matter how many times I brush the touchpad or double-click or even restart the computer, the cursor remains, like in an Edgar Allan Poe story where somebody is haunted by guilt.

“Whatever prompted whoever designed this laptop to implement a cursor that will never – fucking never – disappear?”

Hayes’s girlfriend has repeatedly told him to ignore it and concentrate on the film, but he is unable to do so.

He added: “I could of course end this nightmare by taking my own life, but I’m afraid that even in death the cursor would haunt me still, distracting me from the boundless glories of Heaven by adamantly refusing to ever fuck off.”

The cursor subsequently disappeared for a few seconds, only to resurface right in the middle of the screen.