Farage pledges traditionally xenophobic EU campaign

UKIP’S EU referendum campaign will feature proper British xenophobia and classic, ad-libbed racism, Nigel Farage has promised.

The UKIP leader claimed the referendum, ‘would not be complete without a few belters from the Great UKIP Songbook’.

Farage said: “The official anti-EU campaign will sound weird and foreign. It will speak with a lisp.

“We want this referendum to be about how Romania emits an odour and the fact that Poland isn’t even in Europe.

“But most of all we want it to be about Africans and how unusual they are.”

He insisted UKIP members would be stifled by the ‘out’ campaign’s refusal to use words like ‘swarthy’, ‘gay Indian tsunami’ and ‘the children are all thieves’.

Farage also revealed the UKIP campaign would be funded by the ‘traditional British mix’ of eccentric millionaires and angry people with vulnerable sheds.

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Man celebrates pathetic little pay rise by switching to ‘premium’ fuel

A MAN has spent some of his two percent pay rise on some slightly better quality petrol.

Martin Bishop, a 38 year-old office manager, said the extra £40 a month after tax had made him feel ‘prosperous and secure’.

Replacing the ‘Ultra Juice’ nozzle, Bishop said: “I’m not going to let it go to my head, but it does feel exceptional to put some very sophisticated petrol into the tank of my Peugeot 106.

“I’m not even sure what Ultra Juice does, but it has a racing car on the handle, and racing drivers are very rich and confident.”

Bishop then treated his wife Jane to a three course meal at TGI Fridays, which he described as ‘moderately enjoyable’ once she had ‘finally agreed’ to stick to the 2-for-1 menu.

Bishop’s father-in-law, Tom Booker, said: “I’m delighted that he’s now slightly less of a blight on my family.”