NIGEL Farage has closely examined himself and decided his only flaw was a lack of facial hair.
Following recent media appearances with a moustache, Farage confirmed it was the result of a sustained period of self-contemplation.
He said: “It was 4am, and I’d been staring at myself in the mirror for, I don’t know, three hours or something, just wondering, ‘What the Hell are you?'”
“I was thinking ‘I need to change. I have to change.’
“‘Why do I loathe the person looking back at me?’
“Suddenly it struck me. I had too much bare skin between my nostrils and my upper lip.
“Then I turned off the light and went to bed.”
Asked as to whether he felt anything else should change, Farage said flatly: “No. Now that I’ve got the moustache, I am finally complete and totally perfect.”