Farage takes long hard look in mirror and decides only his facial hair needs to change

NIGEL Farage has closely examined himself and decided his only flaw was a lack of facial hair.

Following recent media appearances with a moustache, Farage confirmed it was the result of a sustained period of self-contemplation.

He said: “It was 4am, and I’d been staring at myself in the mirror for, I don’t know, three hours or something, just wondering, ‘What the Hell are you?'”

“I was thinking ‘I need to change. I have to change.’

“‘Why do I loathe the person looking back at me?’

“Suddenly it struck me. I had too much bare skin between my nostrils and my upper lip.

“Then I turned off the light and went to bed.”

Asked as to whether he felt anything else should change, Farage said flatly: “No. Now that I’ve got the moustache, I am finally complete and totally perfect.”

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Man not interested in random sport things

A MAN with no interest in random sport things like rowing, gymnastics and judo is mentally ill, friends and colleagues believe.

Office worker Tom Logan has caused concern with his indifference to the vast array of niche sports which everyone suddenly loves.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “There’s definitely something wrong with Tom because when I was discussing the water polo he didn’t seem to care that much.

“When I told him we only got silver in the ladies’ triathlon he said ‘That’s a shame’ but didn’t sound really upset. It was as if he was trying to copy normal human emotions.

“I’m not saying he’s definitely a sociopath but from now on I’m going to make sure I’m never trapped in a meeting room on my own with him.”

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “I asked Tom if he’d been watching the women’s two-person dinghy racing and he just said ‘No, sorry’ like it didn’t matter to him. I think he might be depressed.

“I reported him to local mental health services. They said it was the right thing to do because everyone loves Team GB, it says so on the telly.”

Logan said: “People had a problem with me not being into the Olympics, so I’ve started talking about synchronised swimming and now they think I’m normal.”