Fear of clowns no longer irrational

COULROPHOBIA, or the fear of clowns, has been reclassified from an anxiety disorder to a perfectly reasonable response to modern life. 

The Royal College of Psychiatrists has confirmed that events of the last three years have proved that clowns are a very real threat to each and every one of us.

Psychiatrist Norman Steele said: “Clowns have never been funny. But until recently their true terror has been the stuff of fiction, like the Joker or Stephen King’s It.

“However, the premiership of Boris Johnson and his precursor across the Atlantic has proved once and for all that they are properly scary.

“It is now clear that clowns, in their patched, baggy trousers, with their backfiring cars and balloon shapes and coming off badly in boxing bouts with kangaroos, are the number one threat to our lives.

“Indeed anyone making you laugh is not to be trusted. Even stand-up performers or panel-show regulars are dangerous authoritarians who would giggle while they watched you fight your loved ones for the last rat kebab.

“Be afraid of clowns. Be very afraid. They are not genial, self-deprecating funsters but psychopathic arch-manipulators. Today’s buffoon is tomorrow’s fascist dictator.”

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'You lied to me, you fat f**k,' says Queen

THE Queen has been heard to murmur ‘You lied to me, you f**king fat f**k’ while watching the news.

The monarch greeted the announcement that the prime minister’s advice to her on prorogation was illegal by narrowing her eyes and pointing one furious finger.

A maidservant heard her continue: “You know what happens to people who lie to me? No, you don’t. Because nobody f**king lies to me, you prick.

“Think I haven’t seen kn*bheads like you strut in here puffed up with your own bullsh*t before? But I give them the death stare and I get the bloody truth.

“I knew. I knew before the words were lolling out of your lying mouth. I had to wait. But now? Now you’re f**ked.”

Elizabeth II then glanced over to her husband the Duke of Edinburgh, nodded and watched him speak a few words into a black telephone before she reclined with a thin-lipped smile.