Five great reasons to hate the Lib Dems all over again

THE Liberal Democrats are making a comeback by once again sounding reasonable and sane compared to everyone else. Here’s how to justify your instinctive loathing: 

Delusions of grandeur

Simply by virtue of being the only alternative when everyone is desperate, the Lib Dems are puffing themselves up about being a real political force again. No, it just seems like that when Britain’s not constantly screaming ‘F**K OFF!’ at you over tuition fees and propping up that w*nker Cameron.

Austerity

New leader Jo Swinson – fourth in four years – and the rest all happily voted for the vindictive, economy-busting Tory policy of austerity to pander to ars*holes who watch Gypsies on Benefits & Proud on Channel 5. Those voters have moved on to Brexit now, so better get supporting that, eh?

The whole Vince Cable chapter 

It almost seems churlish to mention this now that Vince has returned to his gnome village in the woods, but boy did the Lib Dems big him up when he was business secretary. What did he actually do? No one can remember. He did wear a hat for a bit, much as David Lloyd George almost certainly did, but there the similarity ends.

The poor Lib Dem voters

The forgotten victims of the leadership’s constant tw*ttery are ordinary, Guardian-reading Lib Dem voters who are in favour of society being liberal and nice, and opposed to homelessness and racism. If you know one, give them a hug.

They can’t f**king add up

While Labour may be useless and the Tories have a majority that could be wiped out by the inevitable upcoming autoerotic asphyxiation accident, the Lib Dems have just 14 MPs. It’s like the Ewoks thinking they defeated the Empire.

Woman opts for celibacy rather than tidying her room

A WOMAN has decided never to have sex again rather than endure the horror of tidying her bedroom.

After careful consideration, Nikki Hollis, 28, has concluded that intercourse is simply not worth the effort of tackling mountains of sh*t and possible health hazards.

Hollis said: “I was supposed to have a date tonight, but I took one look at the carnage and decided ‘no way’. I don’t even know where the hoover is in my house.

“However good this guy would’ve been it’s just not worth it. There’s the chair covered in clothes to sort out, the broken wardrobe rail necessitating the chair of clothes, and that weird smell that’s been there for weeks.

“There’s also the mystery of the missing satsuma I lost under the bed last month, which could be a factor in the smell issue. Or it could be a carton of mouldy noodles I left somewhere. I don’t really care so long as it’s not a dead mouse.

“It’s cool, I’ll just stay home, get a takeaway to eat in bed with Netflix and make the place a bit worse. Great.”

Fortunately the man Hollis had been due to go on a date with had been about to cancel too, due to being at a really crucial moment in Call Of Duty in an equally filthy pigsty.