Thursday, 29th October 2020

Five historical events that Boris Johnson would have pushed through in three days

THE withdrawal agreement should take weeks to pass, but Boris Johnson has sworn to do it in 72 hours. What other historical drags could he have rushed through?

World War Two

Six years of fighting? Not with BoJo behind the wheel. First day: invasion of Poland, Battle of Britain, Dunkirk, that good Churchill speech. Second day: Pearl Harbour, the Africa campaign, cracking Enigma. Third day: D-Day, taking Berlin, victory. Bish bosh, job done, all over by Christmas.

The Industrial Revolution

You invent one machine, then based on that you invent another, then that helps you invent the next, and so on. It’s perfectly simple. The only reason it took 40-odd years was because nobody buckled down and bloody did the work. Slackers.

The discovery of America

How hard can it be? Just sail west and keep sailing west until you run into an absolutely massive continent. Once you’ve got there, keep going west until you hit the sea on the other side. There, you’ve discovered America. The Irish could have done it centuries ago and then we wouldn’t be having all this trouble.

The Middle Ages

A thousand years? To do what, be a bit too into religion and have a couple of plagues? Okay, the Roman Empire fell but all their stuff was still there, just pick it back up and start making sexy statues again. You don’t even need three days for this one. 48 hours and you’re back on track.

Biblical times

If it can all fit in one book, it can be made into a film. If it can be made into a film by trimming the subplots and throwing out the minor characters, then there was no reason for it to be that long in the first place. Noah, Moses, Jesus, that’s all you need.