Thursday, 25th February 2021

Five things that should ruin the Tories but never do

TORIES ahead in the polls again, despite everything, just like in the 80s, most of the 90s and the last decade? It’s because they shrug all this off: 

Child poverty

In rational countries, governments dithering over feeding desperate kids during a crisis would be as popular as a dog in a hot tub. In Britain we kept Crazy Frog at number one for four weeks, have never been rational, and believe school dinner vouchers are coveted on the thriving black market for booze, fags and scratchcards.

Lengthy recessions

Tories love a recession. Whether they’re causing mass unemployment by union-busting, losing your house with spiralling interest rates or leaving the EU because they gambled on a referendum and lost, they can’t resist shrinking the economy. So voters trust them on the economy.

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Despite looking like Teacher from the Bash Street Kids and being more of a dick, the very existence of Jacob Rees-Mogg doesn’t appear to deter Conservative voters. Maybe strutting around like a sexless pinstriped insect is something they aspire to?

Open contempt for life

Unless you’re loaded, the Conservatives aren’t too bothered if you shuffle off this mortal coil. There’s even a video of Cummings joking about it. In a Tory voter’s mind, if you can’t pump money into the economy via Bupa bed then it’s your fault and the grave would be best?

Shagging, drugs and theft

Boris has his cock out 90 per cent of the day, Gove snorts coke, and any minister who doesn’t fill his boots with public money is looked down on. But even a prime minister who popped his cock in a dead pig’s mouth didn’t stop two re-elections.