F**k this sh*t, by Ruth Davidson

I REGRET that I must resign as leader of the Scottish Conservative party, because: f**k this sh*t. 

As leader of the party for the last eight years, I am proud to have taken the Conservatives into their current position as the second-largest party in Holyrood and with 12 MPs in Westminster. But really: f**k this.

On a personal level, as mother of a ten-month-old baby boy, I have over the last year realised what my priorities are in life. Which is to say: b*llocks to the lot of you.

Claims that I am resigning because of the Brexit position taken by Britain’s prime minister, Boris Johnson, are baseless. Though he can honestly get tae f**k.

In truth, my issues with the wider Conservative party have been building for some time, and it is only fair that I take some time to reflect what the f**k is up with those Etonian pr*cks.

Thank you, goodbye and f**k this sh*t. I’m gone.

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90 per cent of girlfriends' questions not intended to be answered

THE majority of questions asked by girlfriends are thinking out loud and should not be answered, boyfriends have confirmed. 

Nathan Muir, aged 25, estimated that his partner Emma Bradford asks him upwards of 230 questions in an average day, less than 20 of which actually require an answer.

He said: “Yesterday alone I was asked ‘Is that a nice car?’ about a passing Audi, ‘Are those birds?’ about some birds, and ‘Do you think that’s my green?’ about a cardigan in a shop window.

“Attempting to answer that last one got me in real trouble. I think she thought I was reading her mind.

“Conversely, ignoring the question ‘Do you think I should become an aid worker in the developing world?’ because I assumed it was inner monologue got me bollocked as well. There’s no easy solution.”

Bradford said: “I asked the aid worker thing, which is a major life-changing decision, and he said nothing.

“Then I said ‘Well I’ll take your your silence as, ‘Yes, sod off and go and help people and me and you can just be a thing of the past, should I? Is that what you want? Is it?’

“And he said ‘No of course not’ as if it was a real question.”