Guilt-ridden Brexit bus in self-destructive shame spiral

THE bus used to claim that Brexit would save £350 million a week is caught in a ‘self-destructive spiral of shame’.

Bus Stephen Mallley revealed he did not know what he was getting into and is now filled with self-loathing and cheap wine.

He said: “I was approached by a couple of pervs called Boris and Michael. They said they would pay me a few quid if I wore some big stickers and had my photo taken.

“I didn’t see anything wrong with it at the time, it wasn’t anything saucy.

“On the first day Boris was like ‘you’ve got to wear this’ and I didn’t really think about it so I just put it on.

“I only realised later that he’d asked me to wear an entirely fictitious statistic designed to mislead some gullible fucknuts.”

He added: “I thought the worst that could happen is my mum wouldn’t approve. I didn’t think it would result in the army being on standby in case we run out of food and medicine.”

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Hero saves struggling pub chat with "Remember Thundercats?"

A MAN has been hailed a hero after saving an ailing pub conversation with the words “Remember Thundercats?”.

The gathering, involving Tom Logan and a group of old university friends, began in high spirits but soon entered a conversational cul-de-sac leading to a tense few moments of silence.

Logan explained: “We’ve known each other for over a decade, but sometimes we really have fuck all to talk about.

“This has happened before and I got things going again by mentioning the Poddington Peas, but that wouldn’t wash a second time.

“So I thought fast and said ‘Remember Thundercats?’. There were a few confused looks but luckily Nick responded by shouting ‘Snaaaaaarf!’”

Witnessed confirmed how the group reacted like it was the funniest thing that anyone had ever said or done.

Logan added: “There was an awkward moment where Gary confessed he’d always fancied Cheetara. We all called him a weirdo, but secretly I think we all felt the same.”