MICHAEL Gove has asked everyone to give him a minute while he starts his entire political career again from scratch.
The education secretary will arrive in Parliament on Wednesday dressed in authentic 2005 costume and pretend the last five years never happened.
Aides have been told to refer to him as ‘the new boy’ and ask him to remind them of his name half a dozen times a day.
Gove said: “As I enter the House of Commons for the first time I feel honoured, humbled and filled with anticipation ahead of what I hope will be a successful parliamentary career completely free of a succession of horrible, horrible mistakes.
“It should be a doddle as long as I don’t get rubbed up the wrong way by some uppity, socialist cu… oh shit. I’m sorry we’ll have to start again.”
Leaving the room and then returning 90 seconds later he continued: “As the new boy, I’m always willing to learn new skills, unlike some of those dozy fuckers you see in inner-city schools.
“They’re like shit-caked lumps of dripping wrapped in a blazer.
“Sorry, can you hang on a second, my PPS wants a word. Really? But they do. You should try walking through a comprehensive in Birmingham some time. Why can’t I just say that?
“Right, fine. I’m really sorry but we’ll have start the interview again, apparently. This is what happens when you let all these stupid bloody women work in parliam… oh, fuck this.”