Hang On, I'll Start Again, Says Gove

MICHAEL Gove has asked everyone to give him a minute while he starts his entire political career again from scratch.

The education secretary will arrive in Parliament on Wednesday dressed in authentic 2005 costume and pretend the last five years never happened.

Aides have been told to refer to him as ‘the new boy’ and ask him to remind them of his name half a dozen times a day.

Gove said: “As I enter the House of Commons for the first time I feel honoured, humbled and filled with anticipation ahead of what I hope will be a successful parliamentary career completely free of a succession of horrible, horrible mistakes.

“It should be a doddle as long as I don’t get rubbed up the wrong way by some uppity, socialist cu… oh shit. I’m sorry we’ll have to start again.”

Leaving the room and then returning 90 seconds later he continued: “As the new boy, I’m always willing to learn new skills, unlike some of those dozy fuckers you see in inner-city schools.

“They’re like shit-caked lumps of dripping wrapped in a blazer.

“Sorry, can you hang on a second, my PPS wants a word. Really? But they do. You should try walking through a comprehensive in Birmingham some time. Why can’t I just say that?

“Right, fine. I’m really sorry but we’ll have start the interview again, apparently. This is what happens when you let all these stupid bloody women work in parliam… oh, fuck this.”


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Human rights campaigners trying desperately not to love Poundland

POUNDLAND is pretty good, human rights campaigners admitted last night.

Child labour activists said that although the chain was selling napkin rings made by Delhi street urchins on 7p an hour, they also do these massive bags of Starburst.

Inequality expert Tom Logan, said: “I’m not trying to excuse the use of underage labour, probably in conditions that make Oliver Twist look like Center Parcs, I’m just saying it’s got some alright stuff and it’s cheap. And they have Rocky bars. I didn’t think they still made Rocky bars.”

He added: “It’s a bit like Tesco’s slutty little sister – with all the attendant moral conflicts…”

Lawyer Nikki Hollis, of anti-child labour group Fair World, said: “However reprehensible child labour may be, we do have to remember that everything’s a pound.

“Don’t think I’m letting them off or anything but that’s a 12 piece screwdriver set – for a pound.

“I wouldn’t use it to put together a flat pack wardrobe, but it would come in handy if you’re making placards for a child labour protest march.”

Hollis added: “Jesus Christ! Look at the size of that bottle of screenwash! For a fucking quid!

“That’ll last ages.”