High street inquiry takes about four seconds

AN inquiry into why Britain’s high streets are in decline has been launched and published in the time it took to read this sentence.

Shopping expert Mary Portas was this morning asked by the prime minister David Cameron to investigate why Britain’s High Streets were becoming ghost towns and immediately replied ‘supermarkets, parking, and rubbish shops’.

She then looked at the prime minister as if to say ‘am I supposed to keep talking?’.

While she was saying ‘supermarkets, parking and rubbish shops’ Portas also composed a text message containing the same five words which she will send to the media and any member of the public who wants a permament copy.

But the report has been condemned by MPs, sociologists, economists and the British Chamber of Commerce who all wanted to find clever, complicated ways of saying ‘supermarkets, parking, and rubbish shops’.

Economist Julian Cook said: “I wanted to say it on Channel Four News. Boo.”

And sociologist Dr Helen Archer stressed that ‘supermarkets, parking, and rubbish shops’ did not even begin address the wide range of potential solutions.

But Portas immediately replied: “Fewer supermarkets, more parking and better shops.”

The Portas Inquiry is the latest in a series of high profile initiatives from Downing Street, including Kirtsy Allsop’s quest to discover how cushions are made and a research project by Rick Stein to find out why no-one eats mashed, raw frog.

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UK legal system peaks with judgement about woman's fanny

A THOUSAND years of British legal history has reached its summit in a decision on the privacy of a woman’s fandango.

Weighing the complex legal documents and precedents in the case of what Imogen Thomas does with her crotch, Mr Justice Eady summarised his decision in an eight-page document that legal historians feel will sit alongside the Magna Carta, the Statute of Marlborough and Jordan vs Andre.

Speaking on behalf of the scrutinised groin, Thomas said: “Is this what Rumpole Of The Bailey died for?

“This is a dark day for shark-eyed career fornicators everywhere and I’m disgusted that my name has been dragged through the mud, or whatever the equivalent substance is for somebody who willingly collaborates with journalists from The Sun.

“I’m picturing a kind of bubbling, farmyard slurry.” 

Thomas’ lawyer was Denys Finch-Hatton QC, a Cambridge-educated barrister with over 20 years experience in humping litigation.

He said: “All those countless nights slaving over text books, months of unpaid clerkship and years spent honing my brain to the finest vagaries of the British legal system were worth it to be part of such a landmark ruling on whether slappers can discuss the ins and outs of footballer cock.

“I almost sprinted out of the courtroom following Eady’s summation so I could phone mummy to tell her. I just wish father was alive to see how far his only son has come.”

Eady’s decision has been criticised for protecting the identity of rich, powerful men when they unwisely lay some meatpipe, but this has been countered with the argument that, because the ruling heralds the utter collapse of Western civilisation, it really doesn’t matter.