House of Lords told to be either more, or possibly less, democratic

THE government has urged the House of Lords to act less democratically, or possibly more so.

After the upper house voted against taking £1300 away from poor people, the government claimed that unelected politicians disagreeing with something the Conservative Party lied about was morally wrong.

Chancellor George Osborne said: “On the one hand, we promised the quarter of the electorate that actually voted for us that we wouldn’t do this, which doesn’t seem terribly democratic in the first place.

“But having a bunch of people nobody voted for stopping us from doing whatever we like doesn’t seem fair, either.

“It’s all dreadfully complicated, or blindingly simple. One of the two.”

He also stressed that him trying to dodge a Commons debate and the Lords acting entirely within their remit brought up constitutional issues that he had not quite worked out yet.

Labour supporter Wayne Hayes added: “It’s a great day for an institution I think should be abolished and proof that the fatally flawed, undemocratic system works.”

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It wasn’t worth it, says 103-year-old vegetarian

A MAN who extended his life span by avoiding processed meats bitterly regrets having done so, it has emerged.

103-year-old Roy Hobbs never ate sausages, bacon or black pudding apart from a one-off fried breakfast which he admits was mind-bendingly delicious.

He said: “I am over a century old, partly because I’ve exercised extreme self-control when it comes to my base desire for meat.

“Many times I’ve been tempted. One time in Birmingham train station I actually bought a burger and raised it to my salivating mouth, but never took a bite.

“Only once, while staying in a corporate hotel for work, did I succumb to a frantic bout of pleasure with a full breakfast buffet. I had fourteen sausages. Afterwards I lay on my bed for two and a half hours, sweaty but elated.”

Hobbs admitted that, despite living to an impressive age, he still thinks about meat with a sense of regret: “I am old now, and frankly it is shit. But it’s too late to eat a steak because I have no teeth.

“If I could I would appear to my younger self as an apparition and say ‘eat burgers, and meat pies too’. But in a deep ghost-y voice so that it sounded convincing.”