How Boris Johnson's immigration points system will work

BORIS Johnson wants to bring in an immigration points system for the UK. But how will it work? Here’s our guide: 

Being white: 100 points

Being white and old: 200 points

Being white, old, racist and a compulsive voter for centre-right parties: 500 points

Membership of ethnicity not yet assigned negative stereotype, eg Brazilian, Thai, Aleutian: 20 points

Willingness to embody harmless, non-threatening ethnic stereotype for xenophobic comedy purposes: 20 points

Willingness to wipe elderly racists’ arses: 20 points

Willingness to do any other jobs British people do not want to do: 0 points, taken as given

Attractive enough for lap-dancing: 50 points

Attractive enough for Sunday Sport: 25 points

Attractive enough for be third wife of incontinent elderly racist as above: 15 points

Family members in UK: 5 points each

Investment properties in UK: 50 points each

Russian oligarch proposing to buy and corrupt British institution for short-term gain of current government: 200 points

Arab oligarch proposing to buy and illegally finance British football club to whitewash human rights violations: 400 points

American oligarch proposing to buy British government: 800 points

Actual usefulness to UK economy: no longer a consideration

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Entire office rendered unable to work by knowledge of cake in kitchen

AN entire floor of staff was unable to work for close to an hour because of the presence of a colleague’s birthday cake, they have admitted. 

The chocolate fondant cake, placed in plain view in the office kitchen, halted all productivity while employees strategised how to be best placed for its unveiling.

Account executive Sue Traherne said: “It’s a Mexican stand-off in here. We may look like we’re typing but every single person is in a cat-like state of readiness.

“Officially I’m writing a presentation, but all I’m thinking of is how fast I’ll need to move once the plates are out and the casual way I’ll remark ‘Oh, there’s cake is there?’

“I tried to concentrate, but the pie charts became slices of cake before my very eyes. There’s no room to relax. If I’m distracted by work for even a second I’ll be left with the shame of a dry corner slice.”

Cake-buyer Stephen Malley said: “It’s the greatest birthday gift there is watching them squirm every time I walk past the kitchen and clear my throat as if to announce there’s cake in there.

“It’s not even that nice a cake. But everyone knows that’s not the point.”