How Boris Johnson’s immigration points system will work

BORIS Johnson wants to bring in an immigration points system for the UK. But how will it work? Here’s our guide: 

Being white: 100 points

Being white and old: 200 points

Being white, old, racist and a compulsive voter for centre-right parties: 500 points

Membership of ethnicity not yet assigned negative stereotype, eg Brazilian, Thai, Aleutian: 20 points

Willingness to embody harmless, non-threatening ethnic stereotype for xenophobic comedy purposes: 20 points

Willingness to wipe elderly racists’ arses: 20 points

Willingness to do any other jobs British people do not want to do: 0 points, taken as given

Attractive enough for lap-dancing: 50 points

Attractive enough for Sunday Sport: 25 points

Attractive enough for be third wife of incontinent elderly racist as above: 15 points

Family members in UK: 5 points each

Investment properties in UK: 50 points each

Russian oligarch proposing to buy and corrupt British institution for short-term gain of current government: 200 points

Arab oligarch proposing to buy and illegally finance British football club to whitewash human rights violations: 400 points

American oligarch proposing to buy British government: 800 points

Actual usefulness to UK economy: no longer a consideration